Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
He’s dead
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem