“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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SCARY COSTUME
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Britain be like
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”