Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.