My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.