Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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my sentiments exactly
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.