Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Love it! 👍😂
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.