business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug