Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
You Might Also Like
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
beware of dog
(jukin media)
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.