me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
A choir of Spring onions
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
No. YOU-buprofen.