Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.