Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
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You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
This is so me 😂😂
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO