At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair