Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I love art.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Somebody call the cops.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
That eye roll….
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?