I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*