I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt