That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
You Might Also Like
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*