Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
This guy gets it.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue