It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!