Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
We decided to have money instead of children.
I have never related to anyone more.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
guys I’m going home
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.