manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Good point.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them