So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
termite twitter scares me
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”