My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Oh the world we live in…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home