*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
This hospital has everything
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone