Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Usage Guidelines
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me driving through Toronto
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.