What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Extremely relatable.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.