I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.