When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas