I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I have a black belt in leather
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why