Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
The funk soul brother
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend