My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?