if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.