Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
You Might Also Like
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Every damn time
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid