Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
This is not me but this is me
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice