[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Would you wear it?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.