If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Aight bet
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out