Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Become ungovernable.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”