No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?