if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?