A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists