What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.