The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
You Might Also Like
This line from Airplane.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams