Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”