My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*