Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Owl Sanctuary
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Perfect.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent