I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?