CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
can I use a minion as a tampon
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.