Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
What is going on? 😅
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
my favorite genre of twitter
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Stop it! 😂
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake