Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Discuss
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.