I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
You Might Also Like
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?