Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
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me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I bet
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.